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Something I’ve spoken about briefly before and have struggled with for years is loneliness. Most days I spend hidden away in my room on video games or watching tv and, whilst I’m technically not alone as I have family and animals in the house, I still feel lonely.
Something that kicked me down today was when I was out at the cinema watching the new Marvel Guardians of the Galaxy movie, which I was excited about and loved completely. But what nagged at my brain the whole time and for hours afterwards, even right now, is that all I saw during the walk into the cinema and in the movie theatre was young couples. It makes me depressed and jealous. My brain just fills with racing thoughts of why that isn’t me and why can’t I have that. I always get a strong sense of FOMO (fear of missing out, which I have spoken about before), and today it hit me like a ton of bricks, wiping out any energy I had and any joy I was given from the movie.
People say to stop worrying about that, or that the time will come, or don’t compare yourself to others, but I can’t and sort of diminishes my feelings which are real and valid. Unless someone knows how to physically control thoughts in your head then I have no choice but to feel this way and think this way. Trying to change my perspective on my situation seems futile because I’ve tried and it sucks. It feels like a nightmare cycle and at some point I want it to end and I’m unsure how it will yet. I’m not sure how I’m going to navigate out of this downward spiral, or if I will be able to, as I feel like I’m drowning in quick sand and every now and then I’m thrown some rope and then it’s taken away and I just sink deeper and deeper as the force around me crushes my heart and soul.
Sometimes I like being alone. But I hate being lonely. And yet, it’s all I ever am and no one seems to realise, or care, taking for granted what they have themselves and what I would appreciate in a heart beat.
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